Bill Harnsberger, 43, was born in Mount Vernon, Ohio, hometown of both the guy who wrote "Dixie" and the queeniest Hollywood Square ever, Paul Lynde. In 1975 he and his family fled the oppressive Ford regime by moving to Düsseldorf, Germany, where he spent his time stealing hood ornaments off of Mercedes. During his time in exile, two popes died in rapid succession. Harnsberger was not charged in the incidents but was forbidden from ever again throwing lawn darts on European soil. In 1980, sensing that Ronald Reagan was poised to make everything right with the world again, he moved back to Ohio, where he became an Eagle Scout and graduated Summa Cum Wanker from Otterbein College in Westerville. He then spent seven years announcing the time and weather for old people on "beautiful music" radio station WGER-FM in Saginaw, Michigan. He now lives with his partner of 15 years, Michael, in Portland, Maine, and recently became the only known person to have successfully auctioned off both of his kidneys on eBay (the secret: labeling them as "collectible figurines").